I have just finished another 5 pages of a new novel I am writing, shameless publicity I know, but hey it pays the bills, so you would think that the last thing I would be doing is picking up my faithful lap top and writing again. Well, you would be wrong, obviously because here I am. The truth is with a creative mind comes creative pressure, it's not like some guilt trip that continually tells you to work, its different to that, it's not about being a workaholic either, having a creative mind means you open yourself to all that you see, it can be very hard for someone to grasp that you are constantly bombarded with thoughts every second of the day, anything from how a building was constructed to how a plane stays in the air, my mind is constantly working and analysing what people are thinking, how they are reacting, what they say and why do they say it, how i feel, it goes on and on, its like a whirlwind that never stops.
If I am being honest, I wish a lot of the time that I was more normal so to speak, I find concentrating on things for a longer period very difficult, my mind wonders and wants to jump ship to the next thing and the next thing, all the time searching like some hungry wolf pack that never eats its fill. A very good friend of mine summed me up perfectly, she said you have a "butterfly" brain, it continually flits from plant to plant seeking that one true place that it belongs to yet in reality we all know that will never happen, it's not coded to land and stay, its cursed to forever be in flight.
Am I cursed? hardly. But the reality is I have had to learn to live with it and try and control how life is to be viewed, its a huge ask because the more i analyse situations the more active my thoughts, people often confuse it with Bi-polar syndrome but I would dream of having just two personalities to deal with, Schizophrenia? well, maybe but I have no destructive traits and if anything I get hurt more because I wear my heart on my sleeve, that is what happens when you open yourself up to the world, you make yourself vulnerable and people see that as a weakness.
The very fact I can talk or write about what makes me tick brings me a lot further forward than I have ever been in dealing with who I am and where I want to be in life, the biggest issue is getting over the denial that there is a problem in the first place, something I used to just try and laugh off, then sink into a pit of self pity because I thought i was misunderstood.
Once you accept that you are different and that your over active brain can be helped and controlled and all its energy pointed in a direction that will not only stimulate it but sometimes even exhaust it, life just rewards you again and again, don't get me wrong, it's not an easy task but by keeping myself busy with new projects and new scenery and a constant huge writing work load I can shed all that excess energy that would otherwise be so destructive. You can say I am crazy, after all its a fine line between insanity and genius but I have learnt to appreciate the gift I have rather than fight it and deny it, yes I am different and yes it sometimes leaves me stood out from the crowd (and not always for the better) but I am me and I cant help who I am anymore than anyone else can, it's like any illness or affliction it is what you make of it. For once at this moment in time I am happy that the real person gets a chance to explain where some of my boundless energy and constant huge workload originates from, or at least why it's there. Maybe it will also explain some of the stupid things I do, but then again, who am I to make excuses, we all do stupid things sometimes.
If I am being honest, I wish a lot of the time that I was more normal so to speak, I find concentrating on things for a longer period very difficult, my mind wonders and wants to jump ship to the next thing and the next thing, all the time searching like some hungry wolf pack that never eats its fill. A very good friend of mine summed me up perfectly, she said you have a "butterfly" brain, it continually flits from plant to plant seeking that one true place that it belongs to yet in reality we all know that will never happen, it's not coded to land and stay, its cursed to forever be in flight.
Am I cursed? hardly. But the reality is I have had to learn to live with it and try and control how life is to be viewed, its a huge ask because the more i analyse situations the more active my thoughts, people often confuse it with Bi-polar syndrome but I would dream of having just two personalities to deal with, Schizophrenia? well, maybe but I have no destructive traits and if anything I get hurt more because I wear my heart on my sleeve, that is what happens when you open yourself up to the world, you make yourself vulnerable and people see that as a weakness.
The very fact I can talk or write about what makes me tick brings me a lot further forward than I have ever been in dealing with who I am and where I want to be in life, the biggest issue is getting over the denial that there is a problem in the first place, something I used to just try and laugh off, then sink into a pit of self pity because I thought i was misunderstood.
Once you accept that you are different and that your over active brain can be helped and controlled and all its energy pointed in a direction that will not only stimulate it but sometimes even exhaust it, life just rewards you again and again, don't get me wrong, it's not an easy task but by keeping myself busy with new projects and new scenery and a constant huge writing work load I can shed all that excess energy that would otherwise be so destructive. You can say I am crazy, after all its a fine line between insanity and genius but I have learnt to appreciate the gift I have rather than fight it and deny it, yes I am different and yes it sometimes leaves me stood out from the crowd (and not always for the better) but I am me and I cant help who I am anymore than anyone else can, it's like any illness or affliction it is what you make of it. For once at this moment in time I am happy that the real person gets a chance to explain where some of my boundless energy and constant huge workload originates from, or at least why it's there. Maybe it will also explain some of the stupid things I do, but then again, who am I to make excuses, we all do stupid things sometimes.
No comments:
Post a Comment