"Caravan Blues''...

What makes you leave a nice warm house with all your hearts desire,
Running water double glazing, feet up by the fire.

To tramp along a Motorway with all your goods in tow,
And hold the traffic in a jam you drive so bleedin' slow.

The caravan just makes no sense to you and I alone.
To sit inside a plastic box instead of comfy home.

You wobble down the Motorway and give us all a fright'
When Easter comes you're everywhere but rarely seen at night,

You form a line from Brum to Kent and never look behind,
If you pulled over now and then, none of us would mind..

You have a set of mirrors that are wider than a truck,
They're just a piece of useless junk you couldn't give a f#ck

They make you stand out from the crowd you think you are so cool,
The rest of us just sighing at another camping fool,

You end up in a farmers field with just one tap to share
Between a hundred other vans and still you've not a care,

The toilet is a hut of tin, a hole dug in the grass,
You need a torch to hit the spot as nettles sting your ass.

You carry water 60 yards, at home you have a tap,
Fill drums around your shiny van with kitchen waste or crap,

And when you want to go to bed with blankets you must tussle,
You have to build it all from scratch, another jigsaw puzzle.

Then you settle down to sleep you're feeling rather frisky,
But half the camp can hear the noise and on a slope it's risky.

You muffle every scream and whine and all the time remember,
This may be all the sex you get this side of next December,

So thoughts move on to leaving... it will take a week to pack,
Just as you're unloaded then it's time to load it back.

You hitch up to your faithful car and it let's out a groan
It knows you'll hold up everyone as you are heading home,

You wobble on the motorway just sit in middle lane,
While playing eye-spy with the kids you've never won a game,

The drivers all behind you are all stuck in second gear,
But sure as God made acorns... you'll be back again next year.