Creative I.

I have just finished another 5 pages of a new novel I am writing, shameless publicity I know, but hey it pays the bills, so you would think that the last thing I would be doing is picking up my faithful lap top and writing again. Well, you would be wrong, obviously because here I am. The truth is with a creative mind comes creative pressure, it's not like some guilt trip that continually tells you to work, its different to that, it's not about being a workaholic either, having a creative mind means you open yourself to all that you see, it can be very hard for someone to grasp that you are constantly bombarded with thoughts every second of the day, anything from how a building was constructed to how a plane stays in the air, my mind is constantly working and analysing what people are thinking, how they are reacting, what they say and why do they say it, how i feel, it goes on and on, its like a whirlwind that never stops.
If I am being honest, I wish a lot of the time that I was more normal so to speak, I find concentrating on things for a longer period very difficult, my mind wonders and wants to jump ship to the next thing and the next thing, all the time searching like some hungry wolf pack that never eats its fill.  A very good friend of mine summed me up perfectly, she said you have a "butterfly" brain, it continually flits from plant to plant seeking that one true place that it belongs to yet in reality we all know that will never happen, it's not coded to land and stay, its cursed to forever be in flight.
Am I cursed? hardly. But the reality is I have had to learn to live with it and try and control how life is to be viewed, its a huge ask because the more i analyse situations the more active my thoughts, people often confuse it with Bi-polar syndrome but I would dream of having just two personalities to deal with, Schizophrenia? well, maybe but I have no destructive traits and if anything I get hurt more because I wear my heart on my sleeve, that is what happens when you open yourself up to the world, you make yourself vulnerable and people see that as a weakness.
 The very fact I can talk or write about what makes me tick brings me a lot further forward than I have ever been in dealing with who I am and where I want to be in life, the biggest issue is getting over the denial that there is a problem in the first place, something I used to just try and laugh off, then sink into a pit of self pity because I thought i was misunderstood.
Once you accept that you are different and that your over active brain can be helped and controlled and all its energy pointed in a direction that will not only stimulate it but sometimes even exhaust it,  life just rewards you again and again, don't get me wrong, it's not an easy task but by keeping myself busy with new projects and new scenery and a constant huge writing work load I can shed all that excess energy that would otherwise be so destructive. You can say I am crazy, after all its a fine line between insanity and genius but I have learnt to appreciate the gift I have rather than fight it and deny it, yes I am different and yes it sometimes leaves me stood out from the crowd (and not always for the better) but I am me and I cant help who I am anymore than anyone else can, it's like any illness or affliction it is what you make of it. For once at this moment in time I am happy that the real person gets a chance to explain where some of my boundless energy and constant huge workload originates from, or at least why it's there. Maybe it will also explain some of the stupid things I do, but then again, who am I to make excuses, we all do stupid things sometimes.

Astronauts and Pioneers.

Sat at Glorias coffee house on Manly Wharf Sydney this afternoon I had a little chuckle to myself while listening to a couple of very senior citizens who were so obviously local to the area too, one from Manly and the other I am sure said he was from the Blue Mountain region. I know it is awfully rude to eavesdrop but to be fair if i had been sat on the ferry itself I would have most probably been able to hear them, I think the batteries were running a little low on the deaf aids, if worn at all!.
It began quite innocently enough when he requested the whereabouts of the toilets for his good lady wife, the one woman sat at the table opposite said "No worries I will take you love I am going myself" and off they trotted, I thought to myself how nice, then the old man who i soon learned was 83 years old, (he kept repeating it) sat at the table opposite with the other older lady while they waited for them to return.
No sooner had he sat down than he launched into where he was from and what his son did for a living (he is a vet by the way, covers a huge area around the Blue Mountains you know)  he then went on to say when he moved to the Blue mountains it was a cardboard city, not that he minded, he loves the outdoors apparently. He was also very preturbed that 40 years ago he could park anywhere in the street and not worry but now he struggles to find a parking space, there's progress for you eh?.
"Australia is the best Country on earth, I have been to Florida to live and work and I have been all over the place but there is nowhere like Australia, trouble is so many other people think the bleeding same now" he piped up, now just remember he was in the midst of the Manly ferry terminal on the very day of a food and wine festival which was aimed at, yes you've guessed it .. tourists who were about 8 deep on both sides of us...
He then compared his age at one point to Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, who i had gathered from the conversation had recently died, (Neil that is),
 "Only a few months ago you know, he was the same age as me!"  i could not help but smile as he spoke with such conviction like they were the best of buddies, yet his main worry was that so many people were coming to Australia to live that it would soon be overcrowded.  I was dying to introduce myself as one of 60 million Brits from an island a tenth of the size but I have to admit I was simply enjoying listening to the old timer, the two older women returned from their little toilet break and they all proceeded to catch up with each other and talk about astronauts and old times, an amazing range of subjects considering the venue, but just before they parted company I was treated to an old song which I am sure all of Australia will know but me?.. well I just had to sit and listen and try to look inconspicuous as they sang away, I remember it ended with something like "I am just an old char girl" or something or other, simply because they were on top form for the last verse.
God bless the older population I say, but if the biggest worry for the old man in the Coffee shop is Australia becoming overcrowded it will be because people like him charm visitors from the other side of the world like me and his nightmare may become a reality, but i think his fears are unfounded if my own wonderfully diverse Country is anything to go by.

As I mentioned earlier in the above piece, Manly has a Food and Drink festival today, it was full of stalls and live bands which played great music while all the hotels and shops benefited from the huge amount of extra people in attendance, I have to say Australia knows how to party and something else I have noticed since I have arrived on these shores, people know how to smile, they aren't nearly as up tight about every little detail as we Brits, even though the roads were closed and the festival sprawled all over town there were very few officials walking round with their main aim being to ruin somebody's day, it was very much a live and let live event and the key was having fun not just another excuse for the health and safety gestapo culture we live in spoiling what should be a time to dance, a time to sing and a time for fun, well done Australia don't ever let that ability to enjoy such a day without restrictions slip through your fingers ! .

One thing I have to admit really does annoy me here in Manly (and you have probably gathered it isn't much!) is the constant attention of our friends from the skies in the shape of seagulls. If you dare to sit on a seat outside of the Wharf complex you can rest assured you will soon have all the company you could ever want, albeit the winged variety and plenty of them too!. It is much safer to do as the locals do if they grab a sandwich and that is to eat it inside, I wondered if Alfred Hitchcock had ever visited at some point while trying to tuck in this afternoon as it would be very easy to see where he got his inspiration for The Bird's. Seagulls 1 Subway sandwich 0 a result all too often replayed come the tourist season I have no doubt, you have been warned !

All that is Sydney.

Inspiration and admiration are words that the "A" list celebrity club have watered down so much as to almost allow us to lose sight of their true meaning, while being replaced by the now ubiquitous and almost mandatory "I have been on such a wonderful journey" installed in the hierarchy of our day to day psyche of "feel good" adjectives.  But to see and meet real people who you have admiration for and that can genuinely inspire you without even knowing they have done so is still something that can take your breath away, it just means the words you use to describe them seem inadequate when  the "luvvies" that prune and groom themselves in the public arena use them like some cheap confetti.
I am here in Sydney taking in all that I can from not only a different culture (and thankfully climate!) but a different attitude to that of the U.K from where I have spent most of my life. There are many tales of hardship as with every big city from the simple beggars and street bums to the somewhat uncomfortable feeling i had from seeing a fully regaled older Aboriginal gentleman pedalling and selling his glorious culture for a few dollars at the ferry terminal.
 Sydney is a truly diverse and enthralling city, it draws you in slowly at first, then piece by piece unravels itself, revealing it's soul and daring you to ignore it, it steals your heart as it let's you sample all it's wares, like a temptress that would surely have had your head on a plate just a few centuries ago, you ignore Sydney at your peril and most definitely at your loss. I can think of few cities i have travelled to in the world that make you feel at ease and as one with so quickly, true it has it's drawbacks and the tourist industry (of which the majority would be of Asian origin) is very well catered for, but if you scratch the surface of this wonderful city and go off the beaten tourist track it reveals a beating heart that inspires and leaves you so full of admiration it would fair rival the prodigal son's homecoming.  Sydney wants to pull you in and wants you to take part, the Australian people know what it is to smile and enjoy the fayre that life in this part of the world have to offer, it's a truly amazing place to visit and as an Englishman abroad I have been wooed by the temptress that is Sydney and keeping my head is going to be a very difficult task !.
 

A quiet day In Manly

I was sitting in the middle of Manly (Sydney) today lapping up the kind of sunshine that I as a Brit would barely dream about in the midst of our own summer, as I am reminded this is supposed to be Winter time here, when i was asked politely by a very smartly dressed man in his early twenties if i was "having a good day?".
I looked across at him somewhat startled as to be honest it's not an everyday happening in Blighty and I wasn't quite sure how to respond, so I just said "errr yeah great thanks I am fine" hoping that he would then go away.
Not so. He immediately stated the obvious, "you a Brit?" and before you know it we were engaged in what was for me a little bit of an uneasy conversation.  Adam, for that was the young man's name was a missionary, he was working in NSW for the next 2 years and he had been in Manly for 8 weeks, he belonged to the Mormons who I have to admit I have heard of but I am not the most religious of types so I wasn't and still aren't that au fait with their way of doing things.
Anyway, I have to be honest, the lad was very polite and he asked me many questions, some of which I was happy to answer and some i skirted around, but the little so and so pitched a question to me that I couldn't and still can't answer, "what do you trust in?".
 Now, I am wordly wise, I can look after myself, not brilliantly but i can get by, but that question had me stumped, I couldn't answer him because I cannot trust in God as this young man so obviously did because well, I am a little sceptical about religion and the existence of someone on a higher level, so I just said "I trust in myself" but not for a second did i believe that. At this point an Australian guy up from Melbourne butted in and said, "well to be honest I have done all the Harri Krishna stuff and chanting and Methodist and Catholic, I have tried them all and they are all alike, I don't know who i would trust"
This comment was obviously heaven sent for my missionary friend, he began his sermon about his faith in God and suddenly pulled a Rubic's cube from out of his pocket,
"You know what this is?"
Believe me the temptation to say 'no' was so overwhelming but I played along like a good C of E lad ought to and tried not be rude, "oh that's a Rubiks Cube"
A smile lit his face up bless him.
"That's right sir, it's like my life, sometimes it's all out of place and I can't see where I am going or what I am doing but when you work at it and concentrate you can get all the colours to match and your life is back on track" (I hadn't the heart to tell him that my Rubik's cube from Xmas 1979 was residing in the attic at home still in total disarray from my attempts to put it back to its former glory where it had sat since the same day i had it as a present) but to my surprise he just flicked it through a few moves and hey presto the cube was complete, I refrained from applause as i didn't want to show my complete ignorance of the task he had just performed and said a muted "oh yes.. well done", while secretly thinking he was a bloody smart Alec.
It was at this very point with these two guys talking to me i had to admit i looked around to see if there was a hidden camera somewhere, but fortunately not, these two guys were for real and we all chatted quite happily if a little uncomfortably for me the Brit, about the meaning of life, I just wish John Cleese had been there..

So, just when I was all comfortable with what they were saying and talking about I suddenly realised that young fellow me lad had switched to his hymn sheet, in other words he was now in full flow about what God did for him and what visions he had and how his life was devoted to one religion etc etc..and again how his Rubik's Cube mirrored his life at times. I have to say at this point I mentioned how wonderful it was that he had found his calling and that as a lightweight Protestant I was not entirely sure that God was actually anywhere other than in our minds, much like any other craze or fad we may decide to follow and that I wouldn't be the man to try and convert, with that I rose to my feet along with my new found Oz friend who accepted a card off the youngster and went on his way, I shook the young man's hand but I was not offered a card... obviously he see's me as a forlorn hope and not worth wasting a very nice card on, that was probably a good call on his behalf !.








 

The Sunday Roast

Life is somewhat of a blur at the moment, I have many things to accomplish over the next 24 hours before my imminent departure to Sydney Aus. I have done the European trek many times so am well used to flying but not used to the long haul, so I may be out of sorts for a day or two. In order for me to gain purchase and defeat the book I am writing I need some away time, the hustle and bustle of business life in the UK plays a very negative part in the realms of creativity, so much so the project was in danger of stalling and even dying, something that i clearly couldn't allow to happen,  as my passion is writing and I intend to push hard to get my voice heard. I have many good friends who have pushed me thus far, as i have very little self worth, I come from a family that would only use the word "love" to address something akin to a pint of beer or a beefburger.
It is difficult to stand out from the crowd and write. You have to be open to criticism and knock backs and be able to support your addiction financially if you wish to make something of it, unless of course you have a tale of wizards, in which case skip the work house and move directly to Park Lane and collect £200 million as you do!.  My sights are not set that high as that is a phenomenon the likes of which we rarely see, but i would be lying if i didn't admit to having high hopes for my passionately written novel that depicts a life and times we are all too easily forgetting despite the fact it only spans the last two generations.
I wonder sometimes how i came to be writing, after all I am not an archetypal writer if there is such a thing, my extensive machinery and vehicle knowledge combined with a driving ability that covers every vehicle that has an engine and goes forwards and backwards known to man is hardly the background to a budding J K Rowling, but I am slowly coming to terms with it as are some of my more regular customers at work. I love the opportunity to stand and chat about writing but will rarely do the same about vehicles, so my heart has already been lost to literature in it's purest form, but there is not a day goes by where upon i am not wrenched from such wonderful descriptive enigmatic written accomplishments to go 'stick' my head under a truck bonnet and express an experienced opinion as to it's maladies, it's no wonder I am somewhat dazed and confused.
 Am I unhappy in  my skin therefore?, well actually yes I am and it surely cannot be a big surprise to learn that that is the case, in fact if the most menial written task was to land on my doorstep I would be feeding my passion in a heartbeat such is my hunger and determination to flourish and display the fruits writing alone can give it's creator.
So, for a while it is I and my laptop in Oz in a feeding frenzy for the written word, i can create, kill, love,laugh or even cry with characters that are under my control and beneficiary. It surely could never get better than that, apart obviously from great reviews and maybe even a pay cheque for my endeavours !

I had a busy day Saturday taking two of my friends to the church in order that they may marry, I put on my best bib and tucker and indeed enjoyed the experience, they truly made a wonderful couple. I do have to admit however to raising an eyebrow at the parting shot of the vicar, as obviously the participants had already been made over £500.00 lighter for the hire of the premises etc, when he declared that the roof was in need of some TLC and the church was trying to raise £70,000 to get it done and could we look favourably at the begging plate, sorry collection plate at the back of the church. I have to be honest I thought it was a bit damned cheeky to ask such a question on a bride's wonderful day but in these austere times i guess every shilling counts, whether it be unashamedly begged for while the church is full or donated from the Central Church funds or more likely Lottery money.

Mary and Robert on their happy day this Saturday.

As we get older it becomes more difficult to define happiness, in fact it is easily confused with contentment if one is not too careful. The word contentment is the stuff of my nightmares, I could not dare to be content for that would mean journey's end, the Golden Fleece, the elusive Unicorn, I would be left empty and dreamless and as such surely become a leviathan of my very own making, unless of course I actually do stumble upon that one thing that pulls my reigns and drops the anchor of the good ship DJ forever, as such utter contentment is easier to seek than it is to find, though the road is full of heartbreak I still hope and pray that it still waits for me.
 I must leave you and organise my jobs and staff for this elongated amount of time I am away and praise them for all that they bring to me in work and comradeship, my staff are very important to me and as such must be nurtured and complimented in order that they do not forget their worth to us as a company, in short i am telling them that their contribution is immeasurable and i love what they do. What a pity i could not of heard that "L" word more often as a child, I may have already found my complete contentment but an unable to recognise it because I don't know what to look for.. now that would be sad.

Have a great week, I know I will though it will be definitely busy and different !

You see... I can look smart when it is required... though it is rarely for too long !













 

The Noose.

Empty gallows lifeless hunt
Reaping bounty sought from misery
Harshest wind blows ice grey sky
Silence broken but momentary
Footsteps heard like distant choir
Ascending volume through the gale
As noose swings, smugly, nonchantly,
Knowingly, without heart or pause,
For all that it represents
The time is here right now,
As noose is lowered to soft neck
Itchy on it's victims flesh,
The last feeling the last sensation,
The floor drops, the noose bites,
Holds tight, tighter, tighter,
Then stops, It's killing done
Silent unforgiving, soulless, yet still smug,
It's grip released by a single knife's cut.
Not so smug, buried with it's prey
Again the gallows lifeless hunt begins,
A smug, ruthless rope swings once more..

All that glitters.

I will soon have some time to finish a novel that is very close to my heart. It is slightly controversial but not to the uninitiated, it stretches the boundaries of our assumptions and leads the reader down a path that sometimes would be scarcely believable in the current climate we live in and also uncomfortable in how it makes us search for the 'label' we often give to people we meet or hear about. I am enjoying writing it and the chance to get some me time for the next month and finish it makes me very happy.
You see, far too often we jump on the band wagon and assume people fit into the little slot that experience has cut out on our behalf. Mostly, it has to be said our first thoughts are the right one's but this is not an infallible method of gauging someone's true intentions. My book delves into those feelings and brings them to the fore. It teaches you that just because a certain object is bright and sparkly it's intentions may be rather less than honourable. It's a good piece of advice.
Recently, I have had someone jump to a conclusion about my own actions and integrity and it really does grab you, especially when they are completely wrong.  If I stand and think about it for a moment however, I too would be acting in a similar vain, it's a common selfless act to protect your family from any outsider no matter how friendly or how good their intentions, at first they must be treated as hostile, this is how we are made, it's in our DNA.
I am sure with a little time I can allay any fears that have come to pass, but it does highlight the in-built radar we use to label people with. It isn't always right. 

Saved,

I found the world so uninviting
The story just remained the same
A constant battle always fighting
So many heartaches I could name

In times of need and there were plenty
A harbour safe I sought to dwell
Though all my seas were cold and empty
Depth of heartache matched the swell

So cast adrift and left to flounder
A nightmare with no chance of waking
Without a hope and little wonder
This strongest heart was close to breaking

The spirit tested like no other
My grasp on life just ebbed away
Like new born child without a mother
The tears were plenty, here to stay

Days a blur and shone less brightly
Life seemed on a one way ride
Someone held that light so tightly
Came and stood there at my side

Now the days are all inviting
Stormy sea's lay calm and still

No more heartache no more fighting
A life now lived with own free will.






 

Fine To Speed.

While we sit and bemoan our pot-holed roads and shabby health service we would do well to remember those two low life individuals who had a lovers spat and ended up behind bars a few weeks ago. How much I wonder did that little investigation cost us the taxpayer while the two of them played their tit for tat argument in the public arena?. Far from jailing the two miscreants I would have slapped a half million pound fine on each of them and paid for some pot holes to be repaired, preferably by those two miserable snivelling autocrats along with a few more I could think of in a chain gang style reminiscent of the America's in the 30's.
Why should we detain two filthy rich liars at Her Majesty's pleasure?. It is no surprise that we are in such a tawdry financial state when such people are pandered to or even bothered with by the Police. What a complete waste of Public money over a speeding offence. Fine them some big bucks and get them filling pot-holes for a week or two, now THAT is justice !.

I do just wonder why kids spelling is so abhorrent these days. We have trainees through the company that cannot spell or much even write. Any form of written work is a complete disaster from them as they simply are not up to keeping records, it's bordering on insanity. Well, then again perhaps we shouldn't be surprised when we see American youngsters programmes with misspelled words such as EaSTAR (honestly i kid you not including the capitol letters)  etc, now some cool programmer in the States must have thought he had struck gold when he thought of putting "star" in Easter but come on guys.. these are kids, they will see it and soon they will be spelling it like that, it's a problem I am afraid that will only get worse as time goes on and we get Americanisms like organize and socialize and "crock of shit".  Rest my case.

Our new Collie pup is making herself at home... by chewing everything that can fit in it's tiny mouth, at the moment she has a par chant for coal... of all things, in fact she has eaten enough of late to rival the Flying Scotsman on the steep climb up Shap with a head wind, quite what the outcome will be for her intestines or her passenger carrying abilities remains to be seen. She is however now finding out what "Down" means and also the word "No". This in itself is no real surprise as she is hearing those two words twice every 60 seconds at the very least. It all adds to the wonderful experience that is puppy ownership and if you are not prepared to have more bite marks than a Transylvania prostitute on everything in your house and have a welcome "poop" some mornings to greet your bleary-eyed start to the day then i suggest it's not for you.  I don't suppose anyone wants a puppy by any chance ? :-) #justkidding

Sunday Roast.

It seems the Europe debate is set to rumble on, it could even come to a head as soon as this week, but we shall have to wait and see. Europe has become a very different place to the naive select few Countries that made the first bold steps towards a single market amongst their closest neighbours way back in the early 70's.
In those days it seemed like a gilt edged plan full of promise and a wonderful way to build a solid trading bond with allies that couldn't be broken.
As with all massive institutions however, there comes a time when the sheer weight of different opinions and bureaucracy has turned it round into a slow moving overbearing giant with little or no relation to the sharp, fit forward looking ideas it started out with originally.
This is very much the case apparent with our own wonderful NHS, now overburdened with a management that has lost complete control of finances and direction due to the sheer weight of opinions, targets and lack of strong leadership, in effect no-one is singing from the same hymn sheet, the nurses are over-worked as more and more legislation is heaped upon them along with targets that simply can't be met, what was a straight forward simplistic idea that benefited everyone in the Country is now a wounded angel with a heart that must surely soon slow to a murmur and eventually die. If this all sounds familiar, well take a look at Europe, what started as a fine idea has grown to be unrecognisable.
 So if we jump ship with Europe, walk away and say thank you but no thank you my guess is that we could then drop all the legislation that burdens such institutions like the NHS and effectively save it from the brink, sorry if that sounds very simplistic but i believe it to actually be the case.
For too long Doctors and Nursing staff have had to put up with plastic managers dreamt up by our European brethren and placed there to "protect" our human rights. Poppycock. What has happened in reality is that we now have good staff working ridiculous hours on poor pay while these autocrats with their smart suites and skirts waltz around with a clip board's with yet another form for them to fill in while on twice the money of the people actually doing the job, sounds like Europe still?, you bet it does.
  Here is a bold statement, if i was given the reigns of the NHS today, I would wager my reputation that I could half it's budget within 12 months and turn it into the pride of this country as it always was deemed to be. No, I am not joking and neither am I some magician, but I do have one thing that is coherently missing from this now aimlessly wondering lost giant, I am from the private sector. I have been in business over 22 years, I know how to run a business and I know what the requirements are to stay afloat and be competitive, these are key elements that until put in place will see the demise of the NHS, it will be privatised, in fact its on its way so now because it is deemed a poison challis by all politicians who themselves have no business acumen let alone the will to tackle the issues which will leave it to wither and die due to pure mismanagement, nothing else. So go on Mr Cameron, let me have the reigns for 12 months, let's face it I could hardly do worse could I?.

I do believe we have probably had our summer. One day this month we received a whole two days of sunshine and reached a heady 22 degrees. It's now half way through May, 6 weeks from the longest day and the log burner is still in constant use, leaving one or two of us scratching our heads over the Global warming saga. One thing that really did strike me as quite hilarious the other day was the LEZ ( London's Low Emissions Zone) legislation. It made me chuckle that Londoners have the toughest legislation in any City with regard to vehicle pollution and believe it to now be full of quality Oxygen that only comes second to a walk in the Shropshire hills. As much as i hate to be a party pooper just look skywards you guys... what isn't getting you from ground level is sure as hell making up for it in the sky.

I am about to go into the kitchen and grab my favourite tipple, those of you who know me will be aghast to think I am drinking Scotch this early, but no, that OTHER favourite tipple, coffee. I am sure that I would be rendered as useless as Superman with a bar of Kryptonite on his lap if I were to ever go without that first brew of the morning and despite so many claims that it is bad for you and can cause hyperactivity and can be as addictive as any drug I am sure I have it all under control, why anyone would worry about 15 cups a day is beyond me, it's just those damned scare mongers again, I can give up any time I want to....

Enjoy your Sunday I am sure you all deserve it.