Write or run?

How strange life can be sometimes. Recently my writing confidence has grown in stature due in no small way to the lovely comments received from all over the world about my musings. That has been a very steep road to climb due to my inability to accept compliments for what they are.
So, it seems entirely fitting to my inner ever-blaming self that from a high of 250 hits a day my blog has received 0 hits in the last 2 days. Lots of soul searching and claims of 'I was robbed' later I actually came to a conclusion that surprised the hell out of me because i just thought  'who the hell am I writing for?.'

Truth is, I am writing for me, for my enjoyment and my relaxation, everything I write is my opinion and my view and if no-one wants to read it then that's really OK with me, the important thing is it's my statement and my views and my work and it isn't written for waves of appreciation from adoring fans, it's because i feel the need to write. That in itself is reason enough to continue and enjoy what I do. I read that Google has altered the parameters in some way as to the popularity and search priorities of sites and it has something to do with penguins.. well this is one penguin that won't be losing any sleep about less visitors outside his cage!.

Finding time to write is increasingly difficult for me these days, there are many things going on around me and they all demand my attention, I guess it's the curse of the self-employed. I have been self-employed for 22 years now and it's the toughest I have known it, people are shopping around and looking for bargains and using their money wisely, although that said there are still people out there that can and will spend without too much thought.  I try not to get involved in politics as the whole industry depresses me, I hate lies and politicians have made lying in public a recognised occupation. It would be so refreshing to hear the truth that 'they think we can't handle' a little more often but i guess the pattern is set.

So, that off my chest I will sit back and grab my coffee cup after writing this, swill down my last few gulps and head for my office and with no fear of anyone opening this document i can confess to all my sins and be released of all my burdens in life with no fear of them ever being discovered, even though it would make Christian Gray blush.
 Then again, if someone DOES read this it may be more prudent to just say thank you for bothering and please do slip by again... or should i just make a run for it while no-one is looking and take those secrets along with me forever ? !

No chance for me.

Weekends gone and work it beckons
Like the film in 60 seconds
Wife is making packed up lunches
Son's upstairs he's doing crunches

Daughter's holed up in her room
itunes blaring favourite tune
God her ears they must be ringing
Mine are from her bloody singing

Cat has gone to walk it's round
And see what food is to be found
Dog is curled up on the mat
He's missed his stroll the lazy twat

Wife sits down with glass of red
And magazine she's mostly read
Reflecting on her tiring day
And wonders where's her Mr Grey

While I am sat just contemplating
Why this life i've started hating
Dreary dull and without spice
A life long shift that's not so nice.

Dare i dream of far off places
Different scenes and different faces
Not a chance I have to say
There's no such thing as Mrs Grey.

The start of another week, Monday is always faced with trepidation, but on the whole I guess it's reputation is far worse than the reality.  I am facing a step into the unknown in 2 weeks by sloping off to Scotland for a week on an Arvon course, it consists of a cottage in the middle of nowhere with 3 published authors who will guide you through your literal ambitions.
I am looking forward to the challenge it brings and even more so the opportunity to step from life's treadmill if only for a brief period. There is also the real fear that I may find out that writing is something of a small hobby rather than something I am committed to, the question mark is there, though my sheer enjoyment from putting pen to paper is blissful.
I hail from a background where praise was something you gave other people, never something you received. I am and never will be good enough in my own eyes and that is inbuilt regardless of ability or lack of it. To people who have the confidence of knowing their abilities and accepting them my comments must seem very immature or at the very least ridiculous but the truth is it's a habit and as we all know habits are hard to break.
Once back from my course I hope to be able to edit and finalise my first attempt at a novel called 'a sense of duty' which is a story that has semi-biographical parts and the rest artistic licence, so i hope i can do it justice. As for my poetry, well i love writing it and it needs only one nice comment to make my day so i will continue with it and hope that you the audience like at least some of the work.

Enjoy your Monday and remember not to take life too seriously, after all none of us get out alive ;)

Dare?.

So what am i to write today upon this canvas bare?

That I am fine, OK with life?,  as if you really care,

String sentences profound as such, that tell you all is well.

Whilst heart is shouting dare it might, in truth I am in hell.


Be still my demons for a while,  bring forward silence hence,

They prey upon my very soul dispel such innocence.

I stumble through this sorry life as if caught in a spell,

Revolving faster evermore no exit can't you tell? .


No sanctions thus am I dispensed, no respite so allowed,

And stand I broken many times before the baying crowd.

But deep inside the angst of life that haunts my waking hours,

A flicker of what I could be, a glimpse of different powers.


Though life it tells a sorry tale such glimpses glow then fade,

For paths that I must follow hence have clearly so been made.

I would complain and rightly so, a noise to wake the dead,

But fear i walk amongst them now so live with them instead.


So dreams that wane upon the dusk eternal in their truth

Will haunt this life through chances missed as i lived out my youth

Life takes the forms of challenge thus to push me to my limit

If I'd been born with all those facts... would heart dare to begin it? .

The Angry Crowd.

Peck, peck, peck,
Judges all
A chorus of tuts
The stoniest of wall.

I told you so's
A squadron of guilt
Shaking of heads
Scorn to the hilt

Inside I hear nothing.
Just faces around
Fingers all pointing
Without any sound

For I am away
To hill's in the mist
To tallest of grasses
That dew slowly kissed

Warm summer's sun
The scent of the Earth
My world complete
Regardless of worth

So look on with anger
Crush me at will
Massage your conscience
.....I am here still.

Layla Grace

This was written in March 2010 about a little girl's plight against Cancer that was followed by thousands on Twitter, sadly Layla Grace lost her battle and I hope she has the eternal peace she so deserves, I hope the family don't mind me placing this poem on here to remember her by as she touched the hearts of thousands of people in her short life including my own. RIP sweetheart gone but never ever forgotten.

A loving heart a pretty face
The beauty that is Layla Grace

Sent from heaven there's no doubt
To teach what love should be about

No selfish thoughts no heartless whine
Just hugs and smiles in truth divine

In illness as in any task,
No more could any person ask

Of such a young endearing child
So warm, so pure, so meek and mild

How can we understand a God
That rules with such an iron rod?

Why take such beauty earthly bound
When so much ugliness is found?

In corners of this very world
So much hate has been unfurled.

But walk with me and talk awhile
I know that I can make you smile

By telling of a little mite
That gave the most tremendous fight

Against disease that dwarfed her so
But yet she coped as we all know

Layla Grace your life's cut short
but let me tell you so,

I've learned so much from one so young,
there's something you must know

If I should live my 3 score years
and ten as it is told

My memories of one so brave
forever I will hold

So smile a smile and think a thought
of Little Layla Grace

And very soon that warmest smile
.. will light the darkest place.

Tale Of New Year.

The table sits in darkened room,
Its fare all spent its contents strewn,
All use now ended, empty shell
A place where only thoughts now dwell.

For this is last years empty table
Feasted on by all those able,
Some who sat and joined the fest
Have left our mortal life to rest.

Friends anew have stepped on board
As life continues rest assured,
For in the light of room next door
The circle starts again once more.

A brand new table full to flowing
What it holds not ours for knowing,
Be sure this though safe from fear
To take your place for this New Year.

Amongst the newly laid out feast
When hope and faith are all increased,  

Savour what this new year bring's

As midnight bells chime 12 strong rings.

To listen is to see.

To listen is to see
Silence takes no sides
To think is to be free
Though fate alone decides

Faith is truth in mind
Heart's not always followed
Cruel is never kind
No matter how it's swallowed.

Man can fix and break
Armies march on speeches
Paths for us to take
Experience it teaches

Listen to the silence
And question not it's being
Repent your acts of violence
For listening is seeing.... 

Fame and A Price.

A million lines that write my lifetime
I don't have a say
Ridiculous and yet just sublime
Make them go away.

I wished for all that money bought
Hell is now my home
It wasn't quite what I had thought
"Oh please leave me alone!"

The flashing lights a camera click
The shouts of "look and smile!"
From people who just make me sick
And chase my every mile.

No God can save my mortal soul
I have nowhere to hide
For fame is just the blackest hole
That eats you from inside.

"Be careful what you wish for now"
Are words that echo so,
"I have what I want... oh and how"
...tho yearn to let it go.

A crying heart sheds tears unseen,
A smile can lie to all,
But face won't lie where you have been
Such fame won't suit you all.

Be brave and stop this gravy train
The likes from which you're fed

For scores who courted wealth and fame
Soon count amongst the dead.









 

I Am The Light.

You have no words, I know that.
Your love is all i asked and it was mine.
Tears for today I understand,
But comfort many guises wears.

Recognise me in your heart,
I will always know your thoughts
As you will always be in mine,
Time will not diminish that.

In life and death so shadows form
Always darkest when silence falls.
That is when I will comfort you,
Reassure you, be at your side.

Time will heal the cut but not the scar.
The hollowness of loss a cross to bear,
But remember this for I tell you that it's so,
I am safe in your heart and you in mine.